10 Signs that You Are a Douchebag. Yes, You!

1. You spend most of your time online correcting spelling errors without ever contributing anything substantive to the conversation.

2. You ask for the 'manager' when you realize the 8Rs. vada pav you ordered has a hair in it.

3. The hair in the aforementioned vada pav is your own. You owe your luxuriant locks to the latest fad in the cosmetic industry.

3. You comment on Facebook status updates before reading the entire post. And you always begin comments with LOL.

4. You keep complaining about how there is nothing to watch on TV, yet the only programs you do watch are CID and Rahul ka Swayamvar.

5. You are Rahul.

6. You are on TV. The Lead in the latest Saas Bahu cryathon.

7. You wear sunglasses indoors, and at night.

8. You drive a Phorun car but never have enough money to get a full tank of gas. 

9. There is no room in your Phorun car because it is full of speakers. And these speakers drive the car by creating eardrum shattering resonant vibrations.

10. And when your speakers do this, Your neck moves back and forth & You go 'dhup-chik dhupchik dhup-chik..'

Pic ME!

''No man is an island, Entire of itself. Each is a piece of the continent, A part of the main. '' - John Donne

A very interesting observation that one.

Especially in context of ''life'' today. Or more correctly social life. The presence of this technological ether all around us has been criticized by many. They have their arguments, some of which include lack of human contact, kids changing into couch potatoes and so on.

I believe no one really cares enough anyway. The need to socialize is ingrained in most individuals in a society. This need also tends to manifest itself with the urge to express oneself.

What better to do so than with photography?
There is a very famous and oft quoted Chinese proverb that says, 'A picture speaks a thousand words.'
SO true.

Apart from a few notable exceptions, almost everyone you know has a phone. And what better way to express yourself than clicking your way through mundane life with your trusty mobile camera alongside you.
Granted, you don't have much options in the tech department. What with scratchy lenses, inappropriate resolutions and in general suckiness of cell phone cams, it is no wonder that the expressionists are befuddled.

Amidst this backdrop, Tata DOCOMO has launched Alcatel OneTouch Net phone to help you share life as you live it. With its 2MP camera and social networking features, it allows you to express yourself. And that too real quick. So, go and grab your chance.

After all, a picture taken with this phone speaks two hundred thousand words.

Evolution, My Appendix!

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
         - Pablo Picasso, Spanish Cubist painter (1881 - 1973)

What does Picasso know? The guy used to draw cubes, for God’s sake.

The technology I wished existed is the one which would help a tech-novice like me to understand all the existing technology. Make life simpler, because all this technology is sure not doing that!

Just the other day I was watching this movie about some megalomaniac who had parenting issues or something on those lines. Suddenly, I hear a ringtone to the tune of some Gujarati folk song blaring from a seat, ahead of me. Now I believe there is a very special place for those who sin, called Hell. However, a very special part of this Hell is reserved for those people who talk in theatres during movies. Even worse the man who looked like he might have been a resident of Alibaug didn’t answer the phone.

Instead he clipped on this body-part shaped headset thingie and talked through it, in a grating voice and very disturbing language. I found out later that this is a new liberal technology called Bluetooth, where a phone can transfer data without a wire. If your phone is internet enabled, you can even use it as a modem and use your new ultra mobile PC to connect to the Internet. Is this ridiculous, or what?

Even more ridiculous?  These computers have been made small enough to actually fit in your pockets. Get this: some actually write on these computers with a pen!

Ten years ago, nobody even thought about writing notes on a mini-sized computer. They used something called pencil and paper! These new mini-computers run an operating system called Windows, probably developed by illegal immigrants from Bangladesh or some such place (I hear they have BPO’s in Dharavi). With these mini-computers, students and adults can play video games instead of studying or actually working. If you are a CEO and think a client is taking notes on his little computer, you may be surprised to find out he is playing Snake instead.


I can never forget the day when my family got our first color television set. The whole neighborhood gathered at our working-class house, where we could watch the latest family-oriented shows like Shriman Shrimati. These days they all watch such immoral shows like Desperate Housewives, South Park, and Rakhi ka Swayamvaar. There is even some marketing scam called "high-def TV."

Do you remember the good old days, when home computers could be used for word processing, study, and even communication between family members?

Now, kids use them to download porn and hip-hop music, which leads to the downgrade of our society. They say it will better help students “organize.” I say this is just an excuse to help dumb down our education system. (More?) Whatever happened to the good old assignments? All Engineers are made by assignments and not by Practical or any other sort of experience. (Not even the weed one). Whatever happened to teachers writing the homework assignment on the board? Don’t get me wrong; I like technology. I somehow feel guilty being a part of the dumbing down of India.

But then We Are Like That Only, No?

Montague Dartie's Business Card

From ghoulies and ghosties, And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
I'll deliver to ya, Call me (number's on the back)
The name's Montague Dartie, 'tis short for Dartie
I am the One you want if ya wanna Party
With wild, dirty Hags and mean, old Banshees

I am good with them kelpies and hobgoblins,
And I am better with pixies and tod-lowries.
If it is a haunting that you want I am your man,
Professional to the very rotten core I am,

Nixies at discounts, Ghosts for free
Leprechauns in Six Packs, Someone get me a Headless Mummy
And If you will take that Fantasm, I will pay you.
Really!

Gallytrots and Imps
Bogies and Nicknevins
Clabbernappers and Corpse lights
Redmen and Whitewomen
You name it and I got it
But take care lest you name the Nameless One,
You might end up losing your soul.

Old relatives refusing to move, Rich ones whom you want ta knock off
Scare the bejeezus out of a Friend or trick a Girl into hugging you out of fear
(Love potions for Girls at Granger & Associates at Reasonable Rates);

All jobs done, but Payment up front
I don't want no monies, I deal in Memories
The Hob pays a lot for those and he pays in Fairy Gold

Try not to feed the Workers and please,
Please don't tell them about labour laws & Unions
Satisfaction guaranteed, and be sure to read the Fine Print
Or you never know what might lurk behind,
Hiding in plain Sight
Waiting for a chance to rip your throat out
Or just looking for a spirit's night out