The Internet Rules IV - Random

"But we have soothed ourselves into imagining sudden change as something that happens outside the normal order of things. An accident, like a car crash. Or beyond our control, like a fatal illness. We do not conceive of sudden, radical, irrational change as built into the very fabric of existence. Yet it is."


So said Ian Malcolm in Jurassic Park, the book. The movie did leave a strange impact on me. Left me with a desire to know more. Left me with a hankering of history. Left my mother to deal with a lawn dug up by a hyperactive kid.


This edition, and there hasn't been one for a while is random. Just randomly random things I came into possession of through random agencies and random actions.


#1. The Theory Of Relativity: Nicely explained here.

#2. Art: Humanity, express thyself !

#3. The Internet: Humanity, DON'T express thyself !

#4. Life: It will find a way.

#5. Cake: Because.

The Silent Monks of Rythnal

We have seen most of it. We have heard the rest. We have never spoken.

We have been here fasting on the Seventeenth week of the coming of Labyr. We have been here while the West Witch attempted to convert the Motherland to a land of Fairie. We have been here to see her lose against the combined forces of this World’s Greatest Heroes.

We have seen the Jariksh tribe infiltrate Earth. We have seen them sow the seeds of distrust and discord. We have seen hatred beyond humanity. We have seen the masked hero known as The Face weild the Sceptre and banish that Otherworldly abomination.

We have witnessed the Fall of Dr. Hoff. The eccentric Zimbabwean who carried out experiments on humans and liked pineapple on his pizza. Some called him the Witch Doctor. But we alone know his bizarre secret and his ultimate defeat at the hands of the African savior White Lion.

We stood and heard of tales of the Night’s horde. Those demons of madness unleashed by one man’s folly. A man whose search for justice blinded him to what is right and what is easy. We heard of their plunder in the mountain kingdoms, their slaughter of the Royal family and their eventual spree of devastation in India. We knew about the rise of a mighty warrior in that land who would vanquish this evil forever - Vajra.

We have collected knowledge through time and space. We have seen the Lady Hatch attempt to destroy us and steal this knowledge. This compendium of history, not only of man and superman, but also containing ideas from alternate histories and written by parallel universe monasteries. We have written about her plan being foiled by Mr. Ink, Rojo and The Buccaneer family.

We have witnessed the curious incidents surrounding the elections in New Zealand. The earthquake that split Australia in two halves. The loss of life and kind in the ocean. The disappearance of the mysterious Mr. Ink. He might not have been a good man but he had good intentions.

A new fear arises. The Dawn of the Wolf Moon. A period of horror and torment for all of humanity. A period of darkness and pain. Our sight shows us death and devastation brought about by the Wolf. We see the brink of extinction. We have stared into the eyes of true evil and written about it. We have seen the end of the world.

And then we have seen us standing here again.

Alone. Forever.

[A sheaf from a scroll obtained in the lost library of Mr. Ink]

Another Sidekick Story

You can call me Jules, I guess. If you have read this far you have earned that right.

I met The Face on my first day with the World's Greatest Heroes. More like ran into him. That man sees it all. He knows, he actually knows what it is to don a mask and go out there and help the nameless, the faceless. No pun intended. It is a bit weird but you get accustomed to the fact that his mask is his face. That is the last human thing about him. He might look human, talk and feel human. But that man is much more. His Scepter feels like living energy. Power of the Cosmos, he calls it. Never treated me like a sidekick.

Everyone usually looks down upon the science accident kind of hero. Which is me. I was just a cleaner at the Mark Aquarius Laboratories when it happened. A fight between Mercury and Mark Aquarius led to an accident. I got caught in there.

Cliché, cliché. Mercury decided that it would be good for his image to take me on as a sidekick. That was just for the media. I could generate a low-level psychic field that could pass off as a sort of invisibility. I worked solo. Even made the papers, when I, along with officer Mulligan, made that drug bust in the Southern warehouses. Ended up marrying him.

Then of course, Mercury made a big fuss out of me being gay, even though no one really gave a damn. I have to tell you. Mercury is a real jackass. And pretty stupid too. Now, I am no Einstein but even I could tell you what happens when you block an energy outlet. It has to come out from somewhere else. I am of course referring to the infamous Australian Open. I did not coin that term.

Australia, just split down the middle. Turns out Mr. Ink had some sinister plan in place that involved a shrink ray. He wasn’t the first one. (see appendix)

Mercury bumbled his way in. Tried stopping Mr. Ink by smashing the outlet. The energy released by that shrink ray caused the rift. Mr. Ink did his best. He channeled it and split that country right down the middle. That amount of energy could have done a lot of damage. Killed many people. But Mr. Ink saved a lot of them.

Just goes to show, that all bad and good is not black and white. I found it the hard way. The energy split reversed something about my powers. I lost them.

I tried my best to point out Mercury’s fault in the whole thing. But who is going to believe a sidekick? Let alone one with no powers. 

I decided to retire.

But not before one last fling with the cape.

[An excerpt from the instant bestseller, out now, Julius Raymond: A Sidekick Story]

Support Group For Victims Of Science

I am Ian Nicholas Kinski. 

Known to most of you as Mr. Ink. I welcome you to the 2001 AGM of the Support Group For Victims Of Science.

First, I have been asked by the doorkeepers to announce this, ‘The red hoverjet is being towed’.

Okay, now on to business. The formal address will be done later by our guest of honour, The Human Centipede. I am here to say just a few words, impart a modicum of wisdom that age and experience may have granted me.

Last month, an old friend of mine and dear rival – the inimitable Dr. Iron died. He died fighting the fight. There is no good or bad fight and he knew it. He had The Face trapped. He had the upper hand. And yet he lost. Allowed The Face to use that mystical scepter of his and annihilate Dr. Iron and his Fe Males. All because he forgot to set the laser to optimum criterion. Old age! Who can escape it?

Which brings me to my point, tonight. Luck. Yes. That fickle bitch that is supposed to favour the fortunate and the brave. That split second difference between life at Sleeter House and being buried at Donnington Cemetery. We make our own luck. Not just figuratively. A committee is to be set up that shall research and aim to recreate luck. It shall be headed by Dr. Theresa Furnace and Prof. Kornelius. Joining them will be our resident extraterrestrial genius Oh’pee Jay, Dr. Iron’s daughter Maria, The Inventor and myself.

Even though I was forced to collaborate with Rojo and The Buccaneers to foil Lady Hatch’s plans, there is no partnership. All I wanted was the shrink ray blueprints.. which I have now.

You may devise the most fiendish invention. You may build your own potent weather machine. You may construct the ultimate space laser. You may hypnotize a female to seduce one of the supermales. And yet you may fail. Luck may desert you. A loose screw, co-ordinate skew or a lousy shrew may scupper your best laid plans.

You may beat that masked rodeo clown. You may defeat the scourge of the night. You may shrink a sidekick to an ant. You may beat them all. But the last enemy to beat is YOU. Yes, you. You must be strong. Never given to the physical You. Do not let emotions dictate Your behavior. Do not let feelings for the hero’s girlfriend cloud your focus. Beat compassion and mercy out of You.

And yet nothing beats, my mamma’s fried chicken. Thank you.

[From the Annual General Meeting of the Support Group For Victims Of Science or as the news calls it ScienceVillain Union]

My Superhero

It is all the little things.

The flowers arranged a particular way. The curtains moving even when there is no wind. The finger print on the bathroom mirror. The golden hair on the pillow next to me.

I am the face of The News at 5. Which as you can see is not The News at 7. Someday I will fill those giant shoes that will be left by Amy Kinney. She has large feet but really nice shoes.

So, the thing I was talking about. 
I have a stalker. I am not freaking out. I mean, these days everyone likes some invasion of privacy. And if you knew who my stalker is, you would want him to invade yours too. 
Curious? I found out on my birthday. There was a card lying right next to me on my bed. Usual happy birthday stuff. Signed Mercury. I had it verified by a friend I have.

It was HIM. Mercury. The Golden Speedster. Granted the powers of super-humanesque speed by the Greek Gods. He had golden hair. Blue eyes, square jaw, the amulet of the Gods around his neck. The media had made it out as if he and Amy Kinney had a special connection. 
But I had myself a super stalker. This was the perfect way to move up the timeslot ladder.

One day I got home a little late and found hot pork chops on the dinner table. Another day, a tub of ice cream with a chocolate sauce Mercury written on it. A hot bath someday, a nice flower on some another. It was all going nicely.

Then one day the MOAT people showed up. Claimed that I was a ‘bad influence’. They searched the house. They found Grade 6 Category C banned substances in my house. In. My. House.

It was all a haze. I never understood much. The processing was a blur. Everything was. 
Like when Mercury runs at that divine speed of his.

I wrote to him. He never wrote back. I tried telling those agents. No one believed me.

Then Amy Kinney showed up. She explained how the network bosses were planning to move me to the News at 7 slot and how it was necessary for her to get me out of the picture and how she has Mercury hooked onto some drug that only she has access to. 
That is how she trapped me.

Help me.
                                                                                                                                       Veronica Lane

[All communication shall be addressed to The Arbitrator, Sleeter House For Those Beyond Help, Waldonis.]