Friday, December 14, 2012

Holy Motors


Storytelling is bad, poetry is worse.

It is not at all funny how something you said ages ago comes back to take a bite-sized chunk out of your backside. I don’t understand “poetry” and I am not alone. A lot of people do not understand it and yet they trade in it, revel in their own sickeningly sweet verses, preferring corn syrup to real blood. Beat poets? Gladly! Would you say poetry is obsolete? I wouldn’t go that far.

It is a force of the past. So is cinema. I have no patience for any film that breaches the two hour mark. My attention span has degraded utterly over the last few years. I can’t get through a film without pausing it a hundred times and checking my phone and my digital mailbox and entertaining such petty annoyances. Cinema, and I do mean cinema and not movies or films, is a lumbering leviathan of a forgotten country.

So, when I watched Holy Motors I was slapped in the face with freedom. Yes, freedom from the rigidity of structure, the ever oppressive regime of narration, the ever present A-Z. The inevitable troughs and crests were replaced by a handful of mysterious events.  Is it a dream or is this pretty much what passes for real life these days and several nights? Would you think it so strange if someone shot someone right on the street where you learned to ride a bicycle? I don’t think so. Would you cry if your secret, enchanted forest was suddenly replaced by a spectacular city? Hardly a tear.

Oh not this G C F A song again! SO, can I just call it poetry?

I like mad films and this one is steeped in weirdness worthy of a kaleidoscope. It is consumed with an unbridled passion to tilt at several hypothetical windmills. This stands out in an age where most creators of all kinds of content are satisified with a ‘product’. Films adapted from other art, films manufactured for mass market, films free to be devoured as instant classics. And here’s Leos Carax who has the audacity to use the same freedom to make cinema with a slight dab of the crazies.

The film stars Denis Levant, as Monsieur Oscar, who lives in a limo run by a moustachioed boss. The white stretch limo is driven around beautiful Paris by, Céline, played by Edith Scob. Oscar’s face remains a mystery throughout, but it wears many masks on its own. It is a ruined, weathered face sketched on by age, the face of a computer-generated alien full of sexual puissance. Monsieur Oscar lives in "appointments", which are presented to him in case folders. The back of the car is a dressing room.

And the appointments?

“Sauntering the pavement thus, or crossing the ceaseless ferry, faces
and faces and faces,
I see them and complain not, and am content with all.”

Are faces that Lavant/Oscar pulls on one by one for an omnipresent audience.

One, dress up as an old beggar woman, bent over ‘seeing nothing but stone and feet’ and largely ignored by people. Another, a motion-captured human being, a black skin with sensors for unseeing eyes, playing several parts in a hi-tech studio. A red-skin-clad woman shows up and this appointment culminates in a highly erotic routine that defies explanation till you see it translated to two extra-dimensional beings making love. Another, he becomes "Monsieur Merde", a shocking transformation that ends with the abduction of a fashion model played by Eva Mendes. Last but quite clearly the best appointment he has involves, a lost love played by Kylie Minogue. Who sings. And it is beautiful.

In the beginning, the director himself awakens by a clamor beyond his walls and enters a theatre that is hidden behind a wallpaper of trees. Can you enter a theater as if in a dream?

What follows is an exhibition of grotesque. Do you need logic to get through a movie? Do you find yourself yearning for meaning and stability and all the right words and things? Or is it a yearning to escape? All that sounds really cool but can a set of wacky roles by an actor playing an actor work as a film?

There are talking cars and unexpected cameos by chimps. There is absurdity and eccentricity aided by serious emotion. Just when you get used to the unexpected comes something that you are familiar with but it is disturbing because you did not expect it. It comes out of nowhere and it feels real. Oscar is a dying, wealthy old man making a tragic farewell to a woman who is herself at an ‘appointment’. Oscar gets out of bed while she sobs next to him. He talks to her and she talks to him and he leaves for another ‘appointment’. It is business after all. Lavant/Oscar becomes a hitman hired to kill his doppelganger and there is blood. He is a terrible father picking up an unhappy teenage daughter from a party.

He is the hero, of a thousand faces, a master of disguise, the trickster extraordinaire. He is setting up these elaborate scenes for watchers as his chilling, charismatic mustachioed boss reminds him before asking him ‘why does he do it’. "For the beauty of the gesture," he replies.

He is getting old though. The signs are littered all over the place. Motifs of death and decay including actual death (a suicide at night) and decay (a formerly grand, now abandoned building) and a cemetery.
Is it then *gasp* using the cinema itself as a metaphor for the journey of life?

It is that, maybe, but it is also a marvellous movie. In one of my favourite segues, Monsieur Oscar is a grim leader of an accordion band performing in a candlelit church. Vivid, full of charm, varied, puzzling, deeply irritating. You will never see it reviewed as “a thrilling return to form with inspired performances from”. The director, Leos Carax stated in an interview with The Guardian that he regards Holy Motors as a science-fiction movie; a parable of human relationships in the internet age. It all started with those white limousines, which he saw as a neat symbol of the virtual world, in that they are rented by the hour; in that they want to be seen but won't let you see in; in that they are like living in a bubble. In his own words, he was trying to describe the experience of being alive in the internet world, the several lives we lead, the fatigue of being oneself. He says that the answer is to reinvent oneself but at what cost? 

The eleven avatars that Denis Lavant dons, an existential experience. There is courage in that. There is flamboyance, enigma and uniqueness that cinema brings. There is history and the past. There is the beauty of the gesture.

Holy Motors is what it is and it is not for me to tell you wha

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

survival jam, I



when i saw you stagger through the door, bradshaw
"honey, grab the baseball bat, i'll grab the chainsaw"
i sliced through your soft decaying head like bread
i tore through your guts and your blood flowed red

---

you died on christmas day and came back to me with a ravenous hunger
you never liked my cooking and now you wanted to eat it and
i was surprised
but then you started eating everything and i mean everything
moth balls
the linen
photos
my favourite shoes
the sofa
but when you went for dog i said enough and i meant it
i am sorry for this but i don't think any of us wanted this
[well that is not entirely true because i have always wanted this since i was little]
but you never shed tears when I got hurt and
you made promises that there would be no more hurt
oh the promises! oh the lies!
we couldn't come to the play because your uncle henry ate your aunt beth,
i mean how could you
lie
you could have just told me the truth and i would have understood
for in my mind i did love you
but now you have broken the tv and for that you must be punished
the basement is not such a bad place to hang
and there's some of my older writing in there
somewhere if you want to read it now but
you never read it back then so i don't know
why you would read it now
i like a guy and he is coming over and
i am going to cook for him and
i will not have you moaning under my roof
i hate to say this but
mom and dad you are grounded

---

1. when faced with a choice between wolves and the hungry, feed the wolves.
2. learn basic anatomy so that you can protect important bodily shit like the river jugular.
5. it is okay to lose an arm.
3. moisturise.
6. forget language and forget that bitch judy
5. there is no reason to hate yourself.
8. if you need to sever your appendages use clean and sharp instruments unless you want to die of tetanus or gangrene.
11. judy is not coming back by thinking about her like she was your mumtaz, or your mustang, or your theory of relativity.
9. you are not going anywhere for a while so might as well learn a language.
10. learn to ask for help in that language.
12. it is okay to pretend that everything is gonna be okay.
13. pretending might save you.
4. be organized, it is not the end of the world.

--

dear,

it is evening and i feel sorry
you are pregnant like a lorry
the house was on fire
maybe someone was a liar
i came to steal some money
i heard you had a pony
there is no way to say this
i had to leave you, miss
you were bound to the pillar
your babe was crying
it had burst forth
hungry for something
i could never
provide

--

do not share any of your information
remember your full name
if you forget it, create one
inscribe it everywhere
remember your loves
carve them on your flesh
talk to yourself lest you forget speech
retain bone structure / organs as far as you can
don't drag skeletons around

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Real Spammers Don't Reply, Mr. 27bslash6


Payment Purpose: Inheritance Fund Release
Payment Value: $5,500,000.00 dollars
Authorized Paying Bank: Union Bank of Nigeria
Transaction Reference Code: UBN/KTT/27890/0000/002
Payment Approval Date:21/9/2012

Dear Beneficiary,

My name is DR. JOHN EZE. I am the newly appointed Director Union Bank
Of Nigeria and the 10th Director of the Union Bank of Nigeria. I
assumed duty as Director, Union Bank of Nigeria on June 4, 2012 at the
Bank's Corporate Head Office in Abuja following the confirmation of my
nomination by the Senate of the Federal Republic of Nigeria on
Wednesday, June 3, 2012.

However, acting in my capacity as the newly-appointed Director of the
(UBN), I have been mandated by the Senate National Assembly to check
through the statutory disk of every payment pending during the last
quarter of the year. Hence, your payment file has been forwarded to my
desk for final approval. Therefore, after vetting and verification
about the source and origin of your funds, I am convinced 100% that
the $5,500,000.00 dollars part payment is a legitimate
contract/inheritance claim. Hence, I have granted approval for the
release of the $5,500,000.00 dollars in your favor.

Note: That a charges of $120dollars must be paid for this transaction
to take place in your bank, for your fund to be release in our bank
here in NIGERIA this said fee must be paid,you are paying for the releasement
of your fund in your home country, do not be afraid of any thing as we provide
you all
the decument that back-up this fund in our bank here in NIGERIA, once you
comply with us your fund will be in safe hands in our bank.

For this reason, your payment has been rightfully approved and will be
paid out directly into your bank account via "automatic swift
transfer" from our Electronic transfer unit. Already,all transfer
processing has been concluded in line with the new (UBN) Payment
Policy.

However, on the note of receiving your inheritance funds, you are
requested to forward the details of your receiving bank account; You
are to send us your bank account details for immediate wire transfer
of your funds. Your bank details should include:

FULL NAME:
ACCOUNT NAME:
ACCOUNT NUMBER:
BANK NAME:
BANK ADDRESS:
NAME OF NEXT OF KIN:
ADDRESS OF NEXT OF KIN:
PHONE NUMBER:
BENEFICIARY ADDRESS:
OCCUPATION:

You are to forward the required information above and other available
bank account information like your PAN number to me via the contact
information below. Please call me immediately for more details.


Contact Information:
Director Union Bank Of Nigeria
Name:....Mr John Eze.
Telephone:.... +234-815-778-6945   +234-816-986-6162
E-mail of head office in lagos...johneze_unionbnkplc109@cafuc.net


Contact Information:
fund transfer officer
Mrs Joy Chris Efe
E-mail of branch at work:.. johneze_unionbnkplc007@cafuc.net
Telephone:.... +234-810-741-5899  +234-817-973-9145


I am expecting to receive your earliest reply and details of your
receiving bank account as well as a copy of any of your available ID
proof (National ID card,Voter's ID, Driver's liscense, PAN card or any
recognized company/working ID card) for identification. Your fund will
be transfered to your bank account details provided within 2 hours
after we receive it.

Yours Sincerely,
DR. JOHN EZE
Director Union Bank Of Nigeria
P.S: Please note that all other authorities handling your payment has
been stopped by the FBI. Hence, the (UBN) has been appointed as the
sole authority in-charge of your fund release. Therefore, you are
advised to stop further communication with any other office or
financial institution handling your payment.

----------------------------------------------------------------
This message was sent using IMP, the Internet Messaging Program.

***

Subject: Re: PAYMENT NOTIFICATION OF YOUR FUNDS.
From: <hilink6@gmail.com>
To: johneze_unionbnkplc109@cafuc.net.basu.ac.ir
Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary=f46d043c7de46c6c2304ca8005d6

Dear DR. JOHN EZE,

Firstly congratulations on being newly appointed as Director Union Bank
Of Nigeria and the 10th Director of the Union Bank of Nigeria.

I am pleased to hear that my file has finally reached your
desk for final approval. That poor file has gone through a lot. It's mama
was an alcoholic and papa was a rolling stone. Also, thanks for granting
your approval. I must confess that the sum of $5,500,000.00 dollars seems
rather too much for one man [I am assuming that these are American dollars
and not Nigerian dollars].

Hence, I would like you to transfer half of that to Mr. Bill Gates'
foundation. He is a great friend of mine and he would be pleased with a
little help from his friends.

Regarding the rest, I am afraid that I cannot pay the charge of $120
dollars for this transaction
to take place in your bank. I assure you I am not afraid of any but I do
not have this money now. I had it a while back but I do not have it now.
I can pay you after you pay me. I can in fact double your money through
another friend of mine who has discovered the secrets of the south american
money god Ponzi. Do you know of him? He is very potent and I personally
guarantee a large fortune.

My passport has been confiscated but it is just a misunderstanding I tell
you. I go by the name "Count of Monte Cristo" and they think that it is not
my name. I can not call you immediately for more details as ISD is not
enabled on my phone. I also do not have a phone.

I am expecting to receive your earliest reply.

Yours Sincerely,

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Daughter Dear


"It is uncomfortable being dead for long periods. There is a whole lot of inactivity involved in it. Folk don't usually call for it but when they do they usually end up getting it.

On the outskirts of the world, where I rest, a group gathered. There is snow everywhere. Snow and relics. The seat of the emperor of the world. The group chanted it religiously. They inched their way through the white blanket towards an abandoned factory. Man beaten by Nature.

The factory grounds are covered by snow and there is a fine line of barbed wire visible over the snow. The group spread out around the factory in a circle. Their chanting reaches with a dull fervour.

One of the group, a woman, broke from the circle and she moved towards the factory. There is a "Trespassers Not Allowed" board. The woman jumped over it. She entered. The others followed and soon the chanting entered the factory, my home. I was bloody well asleep.

It is hard being a paladin, y'know. Folk praying all the time for this and that. Folk scrabbling all over each other trying to please your God. Folk getting angry or happy at you when they should be doing their work. It ain't right.

Well, so there I am sleeping and I feel this aetheric voice trying to wake me. I resist as I am having a good dream but suddenly the din fills my dream too. It angers me. I mutter in my dream and soon I am muttering in my sleep. I don't even listen to what they are singing. Oh yes, they are singing now. I am mad by now. And I am awake.

When I went to sleep here, I went to sleep with a sword. One of those Japanese swords. I grab it and I smash out of the glass panel. The group stops singing. They scatter and they get down on their knees. The woman, their prophet, smiles at me. I put the sword through her. The group screams as one and flees.

So, I figure, now that I am awake. Might as well make the most of it. Which is why I am here right now. Fix me another drink, bartender."

The woman has a sword slung across her back and she has the look of the warrior. She is telling this to a drunk in a bar in the Western District. She is here for she is a Paladin of the Stone. She was supposed to protect it from however wanted it. For whatever reasons. Good or bad, no human should ever have it. Now someone wanted it and she was back looking for whoever wanted it.

The drunk looked at her and gave her a crooked grin. He then proceeded to slur his words as drunks are known to do, "That's a fine yarn, sister and I believe you. You look like the type that would put a sword through a person. Got a name?"

She did not have a name. She might have had one in the olden ages but she did not remember. The group knew her as the Daughter of the Emperor of the World. The group was chanting something else though. Might be it is my name, she thought. Might be it is not.

"They just called me Daughter Dear."

The Disappearing Man


Tall Jim got off the tram near the Bananas. The Bananas was the finest hotel this side of the district divide. Tall Jim had a room there and he was in a hurry to get in. Out of sight.

He had a case with him and was dressed as shady men are wont to dress. He stopped to check if he had been tailed. He walked into the lobby, smiled at the manager and went on up to his room.

He stuck his key in the lock and jarred the door open. He threw his case in a chair and walked to the lamp to switch on the lights.

"Don't turn on the light."

Tall Jim froze. His heart seemed to gallop out of his being and his throat went dry like Old Jim's laugh.

"I don't have any money. I am just a courier." Tall Jim felt like he was being held in a vise. A Telepathic hold.

"I know that. Don't move. I have a gun that likes being shot."

"What do you want, Bung?" asked Tall Jim, even though he knew what the answer was.

"Oh so you know me. Mind-reader Bung, they call me. You know. You know exactly what I want and I know that you know. I always wanted to say that."

"They also call you Half-dick Bung. But you know that too already." Tall Jim felt the vise tighten.

"Oh yes. I don't like that. You know what else I don't like? Talking to strange men. Give me the case, so I can go."

"Well, you are free to take it."

"Please don't take me for a fool, Tall Jim. I know the case is coded to your touch. Blasted family of yours. Inbred cloned shits everywhere, Jims. If I touch it, it won't serve my purpose. I need the case. The technology inside it. The one you have been ferrying for Professor Corasso."

Tall Jim sighed. Must it always come to this, he thought. Sometimes he hated being a Jim.
He moved slowly to his case. He picked up the case and opened it slowly.

Bung leapt to his feet shouting something in Korean but he was too slow.
Tall Jim had touched the gossamer filament inside the case and now the case had swallowed him. And he was gone. So was the case.

"Come now, Tall Jim. You can't hide forever. I know that. You know that. You got to resurface. For air. And when you do, my gun will be ready, believe you me."

Tall Jim could not hear Bung. Tall Jim could not hear anyone. Tall Jim had disappeared.

But, the one they called Half-dick was right. The filament, for lack of a better word, could swallow things but it had to show them too. And show it did. Tall Jim popped right out of the lamp he had been trying to reach for. Bung was caught unaware as the lamp smashed into his face. Tall Jim disappeared again and reappeared this time behind White. A punch to the small of his back and White was gasping for air.

Bung stumbled to the window. He was shouting again, this time in English.
"The technology is not stable. Stop before you do yourself harm."

"Shutup telepath," a voice sneered.

Bung shot in the direction but hit air. No Tall Jim in sight. Another popping noise but this time Bung was ready. He hurled a throwing knife from the inside of his sleeve and struck Tall Jim's hand.

A disembodied howl filled the room. A howl of pain and rage.

"You shall pay, dick. You shall pay with fire."

Bung ran and again he was too late. An explosion rocked the floor. The fire birthed another and soon The Bananas were as yellow as their namesake.

Tall Jim was nowhere to be seen. Bung had however been hurled out the window by the explosion. He was found impaled upon a lampost.

The war was begun.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Two Murders, One Stone


It is the first morning of a new year and a federation guard stands infront of the bank. The bank wall features prominent graffiti and lurid posters.

He is new here. He is married and he is new and he is thinking about his lovely wife and dreaming about their house.
He is distracted.

An old woman dodders into the panel. She is non-descript except for a red scarf that is flimsy protection against the perennial winter. She carries a cane and a bag. That peculiar old people scent precedes her.

The guard sees her and thinks of his wife's frail little granny and rushes to help him.

As he approaches her, the old woman reacts with surprising agility. She draws a handgun from her bag.
The guard is shot through the right eye.

He falls down dead.

---

At the same time, inside the bank.

"A brain is little worth without tongue." That is what Blessing Tom's grandfather used to say.

Blessing Tom loved his grandfather and he listens to his grandfather. Which is why, he ripped out the tongue of the one guard inside. Blessing Tom is not a violent man as such but he just loves blood.

So, what is going on inside is this. The West Island Hawaiians are robbing the bank. They are inside and they have no idea that Mama Redcap and her crew are outside. The Hawaiians want money but Mama Redcap wants something else.

The key to the stone. The only real power left in this boulevard of corruption.

The Hawaiians grab the money and Blessing Tom shoots the moaning guard and they all step out. Mama Redcap smiles at them and all the Boris-es open fire. With tranq darts.

The Hawaiians will most probably wake up in one of the Western Island's rust bucket workshops that are used by the Redcap crew for torture and such. If the captured don't die by torture, they die by tetanus. Plus, the rent is low.

Two rent-a-cops dead for a stone. For some that is a bloodbath.
For Mama Redcap, it is Monday, January the First.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Department of Department of Prognostication and Prestidigitation

Everytime, I get off the 123 Elephant, I get that feeling. Like stepping off a bus in a foreign country. You are new and you have nothing on you but paper money and directions written in a code that you don't know how to decrypt. You know? That is how I feel, everytime, I get off that tramline. And this time, oh boy, I was going to the Bureau. Someone there took pity on me and finally agreed to see me.

I mean, Harvey wasn't the sort to run off. He was loving and gentle and kind and loving. And we just got married, you know? What could make him disappear like that? I know, I know, what you are thinking. Men have needed less reasons to disappear. But, I know my Harvey. I loved him and he loved me. Naive, I know.

So, I go up to the entrance of that big peach coloured building and there is no one at the door. And I looked up. Just rows after rows of windows and obviously all of them, full of activity. But, you know what? No sound. Not a single click or clack. Just an entity with a thousand box-shaped eyes that didn't care who it swallowed next as long as the Ship Tax papers were filed correctly. God, I hate those ships.

So, I went in and there was noise. It just didn't get out the door. Now, I am standing there on the red carpet, all alone and shivering. I don't know why I was shivering but I was shivering. One of those squirrels, you know.. 'the peons', comes up to me and tugs at my dress. I did not actually know they did that. Did you? It was so weird. And then I was doing things that I did not know I was doing. I let the squirrel lead me. I followed it and I did not walk long. We came to a corridor. You know, the sort that leads nowhere? That sort. Dark and musty and staticky. The hair on my arms stood right up. The squirrel disappeared into one of the doors and I followed it and I emerged into a room. A reception room. A blue leather sofa and a water jet in the corner. Nothing else. There was a curtain at the far end and the squirrel was nowhere to be seen, so, I went towards it. I could feel a certain something. I do not know how to describe it but I knew there was something behind that door that was going to help me.

It was a machine. A fortune telling machine. You know, the kind that they have at gypsy fairs? No, you don't? Well, there were these fairs back in my hometown and it was that sort of a machine and it was kinda creepy being alone in a room with it. The squirrel wasn't there. But, I knew what I must do. Put a coin.

That is what I did. Nothing happened. So, I laughed and cried and then did both. I don't know what I had expected. So, I started to leave and I thought let me atleast get a drink of water. And as I finished drinking my drink of water, there was a whirring and a clicking sound and the machine whirred and clicked and it clanged and finally stopped making all that noise with a pop. I knew that sound and so I rushed to it.

Sure enough, there was a card. A 6x6 inch card with a prognostication. It said,

"When you leave here, you will leave happy. You will find yourself a new dress and you will treat yourself to a nice lunch. You will be happy. You will be happier when Harvey returns in 15 days.
Avoid narrow alleys and sunshine and remember that our greatest glory is not in never falling down but in never letting the neighbours know about it.
This is not a fortune cookie. I wish I could predict the future. Now sod off."

Then, I turned and I left and I could not not be happy. I knew Harvey would be back and everything would be fine.

[Do you have the card, ma'am?]

No. The squirrel took it.

[You see now, why it is so hard to believe you, ma'am?]

Oh, you silly, never you mind! You'll see in 15 days.

---

This is an excerpt of a call logged by the Greater Central Police Station operator. The caller is a Angela Owens, wife of Harvey Owens. She reported him missing last Monday. The operator did not know this. Filed.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

The Beast


It is here. That time. It creeps up slowly today. I rise slowly from my bed. I open my eyes and I see darkness all around. Nothing else.

I stumble around till I find the door. I walk outside. There are woods surrounding my cottage and they are darker still. I spot a moonlit clearing in the distance and run towards it. I stumble. I trip. I almost fall.

I strip off my clothes. There is a rush of blood to my head. I take a deep breath and sit down. Long, red grass surrounds me. I wait. I listen.

A steady chirp of crickets. A frog croaking party. A bubbling creek. Rustling grass as something feline passes through it. The sound of something invisible slithering away from me.

I have had experiences. I have done things. I am a librarian but I have done more than read books.
But, I do not know how this feels. How does someone else see this? What did they think? What came next?
I will soon travel. I will seek wise men and old fools and ask of them a cure. I have heard of clerics in Onsoop who deal with this sort of thing regularly. This curse.

Now, however, I must endure. I must suffer the ignorance. And the fear. The lurking fear that I actually enjoy this. This thing I have become.

Never should have touched that damned stone.

The moonlight hits me. I shift out of my own body. It works as The Inventor said it would. My essence has now been transferred momentarily to a construct from where I am free to observe my own body. The thing I have become.

My body stands up. It rubs its hands together. With glee. The face, my face, grins. A bearded, dark-haired madman stands in the middle of a forest. Naked in the dead of the night.

I panic. My body stands strong.

I experience a prickling sensation across my skin. Something shifts inside me. Something tears at my feeble mind. And I give up. I stop resisting the change. My senses sharpen. My body breathes loudly. It smells things.

A dead snake. A predator nearby. A fearful monkey on a tree behind me. A man’s clothes. Damp leaves. A metal thing. A wary ecosystem.

My body opens its eyes and I sneak a look. My forearms are rippling with some ancient force that seeks to rend them in two. The faint moonlight reveals impossibly furry paws where my legs should have been. Thick black fur sprouts out of me. There is a cracking sound and unearthly pain that soon gives way to the realization of new bones and joints and muscles and claws. My back and shoulders hunch. Uncomfortable anatomical changes abound. 
The beast inside my mind overpowers me for a moment and I feel hunger.

I fight it. Fascinated by the transformation and weakened by my feeble existence I submit to the beast. My fingers become paws. Massive black claws. The night becomes day to these eyes. Everything appears illuminated. A wet, sniffing nose looms infront of my eyes and I realize what I am now.

A predator like no other. The Glass People called it a wendigo. Half man- half bear.

All hungry. I drop down on all fours. My nose picks up the scent of prey. I grin, a lopsided monstrous grin. 
Food, good. Thinks the beast. It smells lively, leaping fish at a water’s edge.

I follow.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

First-of-Names



There is a man who stands all day in a shady corner of Lungtown. They call him Storyteller. The Storyteller belongs to one of the native tribes of Lungtown.

He is older than middle age, well past sixty, but trim, sunburned, and looks ancient.

There is a story he tells often. A story of a man. A story of fire.

“The natives have a concept of business. It is one of those things that take a hundred words to explain in the tongue of the common because we do not have a word for it. 
I’ll give an example. Terrible things happen. People die, animals die. Weather dies. Water dies. The inhabitants of most towns pray for rain. Some resort to science. The tribe of the Golden Skinned People do rain dances. The Bitter Leaf tribe slaughter birds. The Glass Makers make glass. They accept. The Storyteller was a Glass Maker and so was First-Of-Names. You see what I mean?
The average Glass Maker takes stock of the situation, understands that he does not have the power to change anything but his attitude to accept the inevitable.

However, First-Of-Names was not an average Glass Maker.

When he was born, somewhere in a hot summer season, his lifegiver wanted to name him after clouds and rivers and such natural things. His father’s father wanted something else and he got it. A name that would mark him for terrible greatness. Like Man-With-Terribly-Long-Name but not like Man-Of-No-Name. They called him First-Of-Names.

In the age of dust, The Rulers denied the people of The Outer Regions a lot of rights. The Rulers were harsh and cruel. They restricted a flow of supplies to The Outer Regions and the people suffered. There was a call for change and revolution and blood and all the younger people answered it. First-Of-Names was a reasonable man but he wished to impress a particularly beautiful female and so he decided to undertake his own foolhardy quest.

A quest to bring fire to the Glass Makers. A fire that would not go out and a fire that would not be a slave of The Rulers. A fire of glory.

First-Of-Names, the champion of the people, with his wily wit and the blessing of the gods stole fire from The Rulers. He gave it to his tribe. He brought glory to Lungtown.

But, alas! The Rulers punished him for his crime. They sent their cronies and they had him arrested. The held him in a tower of black rock.

It is said that a great mechanical bird guards the tower and there are men in white coats inside the tower who try science on First-Of-Names. The Rulers came down harder than ever on The Outer Regions.

They created the District and sealed us all in here. They left us to die but the fire of glory blazed in all our hearts and we survived and rebuilt an existence out of the dust.
The fire is lost now but the people know it still burns for them.”

“That is a fine story, Storyteller. I thank you for telling me this story. Here is your coin. Now, tell me where to find this fire.”

The Storyteller merely chuckled. “I am sorry, sinjoro. There is no fire. It is but a story that I tell to earn a living.”

“That so? Vloek! My name is Grijs and this is my contact card. If you ever feel like not lying to me, give me a call.”

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

"I had a client."


I had a client.

She wore a brown suit, all businesswoman like. Underneath, a mannish shirt and a blue tie. Real expensive walking shoes. Sheer stockings, the kind that men like on women. I couldn't see as much of her legs as I would have liked though. She had some fashionable hat on. I never really had a thing for hats.

“No, need to get up,” she said. She must have been used to men with manners. She wrinkled her nose at the faded wallpaper that lined the wall behind me. I was seated in of the two easy chairs this office could afford. The other one had been partly disintegrated by an angry bio-grunt’s blaster. That was a different story and possibly a more interesting one. There were curtains for her to wrinkle her nose at. I also had a small library behind my desk but not because I was the reading type. 

“Your office is exceptionally unclean.”

I smiled. “My name is Lydia Cole-Greenwood. I have a case for you. I can pay you good.”

She looked a little flustered and stressed, but she looked like a girl who liked being flustered.

“Hi, Mrs. Angela Owens. Wife of Harvey Owens. He is missing, yes. I am, Detective White. My office and manners may not be much but I would ask you to respect my abilities and credit me some brains too."

She stood up and said: “I had to check. There are a lot of such shams in the District, Mr. White. Perhaps I was rude.”

I opened a door to the inside of my real office and held it for her. We went inside. The room contained a grey carpet, nine filing cases, an advertising calendar showing some of those AniTex models rolling around on a red glass floor. AniTex, "for the animal inside you". They did biotic re-assimilation and it made me sick to my goat bladder.

I sat in the usual squeaky swivel chair.

"You don't put on much of an act," she said. I threw my hat on the coat stand. I missed.

"No and that is because I am genuwine." I said and chuckled at my wit. "I make fair money at this game by being honest."

"Oh—do you? How is it? Being honest?" she asked and opened her bag. She picked a sim-cig, out of a fancy case, rested it between her red lips, dropped the case back in. Sim-Cigs, for the rich smokers who want to smoke but who don't want to poison themselves.

"Painful. I am a oneiropath, Mrs. Owen. I saw you coming in my dream last night. I know what you are going to say. I can find your husband, Harvey. If that is what you want."

"Yes. That is what I want. I will pay you, of course. Handsomely. Harvey was a food critic. Recently, he had some professional setbacks and was not very happy with life. He was last seen near Chinatown Abbey."

I did not get much cases. I made whatever honest work gets you in the District. There was nothing for me to do this morning apart from tracking a briefcase for that gray guy. 
I needed this and she need not know that.

I nodded, all professional. I had my e-note take all this down. I already had a pretty fair idea of where Harvey was. It was going to be easy money. I assured her that I would find Harvey. She left.

All nice and straight. Except for one thing. She had not smiled since she walked in.

Odd.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

"Sako Damo"


 “So, this the place, gvidi?” The place was a part of the District which is called St. Frank’s House. The question was asked by a man in a gray suit and addressed to a guide. 
This man in the gray suit had given his name as Grijs and the guide was simply known as The Jamaican.

“Yes, mistah, this the place. C’mon, the hour is getting late. I have a woman to return to. The one you seek lives there. Sako Damo, they call her.”

The Jamaican led the way through a forest of nondescript houses. The wind that blew through them reeked of poor and pestilence. The Jamaican was soon knocking on a square black door.

The door was opened by a servant who led them into a chamber devoid of anything of interest. There was a smaller door at the other end and from where Grijs stood he could see a room full of old, diseased books with jaundice of the paper. The servant returned and pointed towards the door he had come from.

It was a dining room. A humble one. A gentleman sat at the end of the table. There were no other chairs. The gentleman wore nothing but a top hat and an astonishingly curly beard. Grijs liked beards and this was a particularly fine one. 
The gentleman cleared his throat and said one word.

“Ok.”

The servant told them that they would find what they sought in the last room to the left. The Jamaican refused to come up. Grijs picked a candle and traipsed up the stairs. The staircase was one of those spiral ones that is made of shadows. Grijs counted a hundred stairs before he came to a door.

Grijs stepped out into a dimly lit corridor that had several doors along it and one door at each end. He turned left and began walking the long walk. The doors were all crumbling and incompetent shields against the general cold that pervaded the District. They were all empty. Grijs knocked on the last door. 
No one answered.

So, he went in. The room, and it is called thus loosely, was very small and it had a bad odour. An odour of age, poverty and frenezo. Everything in the room was in various stages of disrepair. The room was coloured in grey. There was one window through which Grijs could see a sliver of moon.

Near the window was a rocking chair and in that chair was a woman. The room was full of bags of all kinds and colour. Grijs had heard about this woman. She collected bags.

The woman seemed incapable of motion or speech. Her arms were bony and her fingers curved to talons. Her skin was like old leather and looked like a wrinkled spider’s web with prominent veins that are often the signs of old age. Yet, her face was young and her bosom was full. She had eye sockets but her eye sockets had no eyes.

“I am afraid you have something that belongs to me,” said Grijs. There was no reply from the lady. Grijs had come here looking for a bag.

Grijs, candle in one hand and courage in another, stepped forward. The lady did not move. He spotted his bag and picked it up. He thought it wise to open the bag and check if the contents were secure.

The moment Grijs opened the bag several things happened at once. An owl screeched, something fell with a loud thud and the lady jumped at him. Grijs was quick to avoid her but he managed to drop the candle. It landed right on one of the bags which caught fire. The lady let out a ghastly wail and attempted to put out the fire with her hands which promptly caught fire. Grijs stumbled on one of the bags and fell. 
The door opened and The Jamaican, who was already cursing fluently, caught hold of Grijs and dragged him out the door and they ran for their lives.

The fire spread soon and it spread thick. Grijs and The Jamaican observed it from a distance, crouched in a silent, dark doorway. They could never go back.

“Wow, you done screwed pretty. What were you thinking, mon?”
“Who said I was thinking.”

*gvidi = guide
frenezo = madness
sako damo = bag lady

Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Food Critic


“How good could it be?” was what Harvey thought, as he regarded the food laid out in front of him. He inspected it carefully. Across the table from him sat a gnarled old woman. She smiled at him, encouragingly.

“Sir. Try. Lovely. Please. Soon, soon.” She said.

Her voice reminded him of the wind as he had walked on one of the paved streets of the District before he arrived at her shack.

“You find. It more. Than hopes. Sure. I am.” Another one of those smiles.

Harvey loved food. He had come a long way for this. A slice of the fabled moonbird. He tilted his head at her, in the manner of those who sometimes consider themselves superior to others due to matters of language and erudition, and he lifted the silver knife into the air. He watched as the light played with the sharp bone handle of the knife.

God, knows what creature became this cutlery, he thought. I have come a long way for this. I have searched long and hard for this. Joanna knows this. I will show those snobbish leatherheads, Epicurean Leaguers. I’ll be damned if I waste this moment.  The moment was to be tasted.

He raised the fork to his mouth. He first inhaled the stuff’s aroma. The scent was light. A tad sweet. And very intoxicating. Harvey waited and steadied himself. I don’t need to hurry.

Harvey had eaten everything there was to be eaten in Lungtown. Things that might make average people like you and me sick. Both literally and violently. He had written about them. He had documented their flavors and smells. He had compiled a diary on the myriad recipes. He had journeyed across the Lungs to taste.
Even the Epicurean League hadn’t laid hands on this. This.. this stuff. The legendary moonbird. Part-bird, part-legend. No one he knew had eaten the stuff. This would show those Epicurean Leaguers.

The tales he had heard were ridiculous  – but if there was even a sliver of truth to them, this would be some fine dinner indeed. He remembered the countless grubby hands he had bribed and he took a first, cautious bite –

Harvey knew that he knew things, like his name and his wife’s name, but at that very moment he forgot everything. Indescribable!

As the taste of that incandescent flesh washed over his palette, Harvey lost himself. He positively shuddered with delight.

*Nothing* In all the years he has given for tasting food, nothing had tasted quite like this. He looked up at the old woman and smiled a sluggish, content grin. He looked at his dish and was startled to find it empty. There was no way he had eaten it all and yet he felt full. He grabbed a goblet of water and drank it in a single draught.

The old woman got up and wiped his eyes with the back of her handkerchief. Harvey was not entirely sure when he had begun to cry.

“Can I have some more?” Harvey asked, like a little kid asking for toffee.

“Surely,” she said, with a motherly smile. She refilled the plate. Harvey tried but he could not. Another empty plate. Harvey licked the plate with his finger in an attempt to find some more of the stuff. Several times the plate was filled, and each time he stared at it as a starving man would but he felt that he had devoured a veritable feast. He was unable to control himself.

The old woman said something that Harvey missed. The old woman said it softly once more.
“This bird. A man. Do anything. For it. No?”

Harvey nodded without hesitation.

Looking at him, she smiled again but this time the smile took on a whole new meaning. Harvey felt the first tingles of what they called creeping, paralysing horror. He felt this fear even as he felt the animal hunger for more of the bird’s flesh.

“Yes. Yes.” The old woman grinned. Her teeth were sharp, almost like fangs. Her black eyes gleamed. She smiled that motherly smile and the floodgates of fear broke inside Harvey as he realized his fate.

“A man. Do anything. For bird. Terrible. Heinous. Jobs. You see. Soon, soon. New slave.”

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Promising's Tips For Practicioners of The Magical Artses

A page from Henry Promising's diary.

Intended to be tips for his students and general guidelines for all "practicioners of the Magical Artses".



Sunday, February 26, 2012

Short Story Titles For Perspiring Writers Of Speculative Fiction

I'm Anubis & You are OK.
[a chance meeting of a teacher doctor with the egyptian god of death who is actually some sort of extra-dimensional being, musings on death and that sort of jazz]

we don't want you to be yourself
[a satirical look at corporate culture and the irony of commercialism, through the eyes of one of those artistic expressionist types, symbolism]

"Please avoid visits to prostitutes in the future."
[a sleeper agent from an alien civilization masquerading as a human on earth, this particular dialog appears in a confrontation the agent has with a supervisor, kind of like an avatar vibe but low key]

The Tick-Tock Man vs The Morally Corrupt, Ivy-League Educated, Revisionist Historian Who Secretly Is A Hipster.
[comical look at superhero science and such, contrast the whole thing with a spartan society and western-ish timeframe, sounds like a post-rock song, probably is]

By reasonable approximation, tomorrow is a Friday.
[mandatory time travel thingy, school student testing out science project runs into some "technical difficulties", sort of back to the future ode, lots of retconning madness]

Aching wood
[a tribute to coleridge and pirate tales, aching wood being a reference to a dread pirate by name of captain wood and the narrator forever complaining of his wooden leg, spacepiratesyhorror!]

Making Space-Suits For Giraffes.
[light hearted look at how some of us might never be fit for the future, from the eyes of a tailor, couple of movie parodies could be fitted in, maybe who knows - haven't thought about this one, i <3 the title]

e pluribus omnomnom
[a bit like soylent but not quite, a nation that eats together evolves together... if that makes any sense, think olaf stapledon]

Doctor Who ..Dreams A Lot
[sly nod to everyone's favourite doctor, liking the wordplay in the title, must NOT be inception, something something dork side]

The Succubus
[a space exploration team discovers a new planet that could house the many and ever increasing children of earth, the first frontierspacepeople move in, THEN ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE, not saying anything else]

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Love Talking For Software Engineers: An Introductory Course





“I suggest we check for a secure connection if we intend to plugin.”


“I have seen you checking out my assertions yesterday.”


“When I saw you across the windowless six-person meeting room, i wanted to manage your dependencies right then and there.”


“Do you have a hashmap? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.”


“If I said you had a great method body, would you hold it against me?”


“What if we reworked the test plan so that your code coverage came all over mine?”


“If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I D E together!”


“While the code is syntactically incorrect, I can't help but appreciate the beauty of your parentheses.”


“I want to import your package.”


“The moment I saw you across the room, I knew, your database would be worth exploring.


“Only you can set the breakpoints of my heart.”


“You’re a perfect CMM level 5.”


“You are just like Python. Strongly my type.”


“MY PORT 20 IS WIDE OPEN.”


<desperate> love me <desperate>

Sunday, January 29, 2012

6 Ways For A Man To Die In His Sleep


#1

This is a street. That is a traffic signal. The man standing near it is about to cross the road. His name is Bruce.
Bruce doesn’t know it but he is asleep. He is walking in his sleep. He also doesn’t know it but his manuscript just got accepted by a major publisher. 

He has been working on this book for a long time. There is one thing he knows and that is writing. He writes for a living currently. A non-descript column for a local rag that trades in famous people’s indiscretions. He does not like his job much.

Returning to the present, we observe that he is asleep. Traffic is sparse. It is night. A few vehicles approach this junction.

Bruce steps on to the road. He starts walking towards the other side. A song plays somewhere nearby. A car misses him and speeds on. Everyone is in a hurry.

The man ambles along. Another car brakes to a stop near him with a squeal of tires. He does not wake up. A big truck collides with another car trying to avoid him. There are shouts of indignation all around.

He reaches the other side. A man comes running at him. Bruce doesn’t know it but this other man just robbed a nearby store. Bruce is still asleep and still walking. The thief is scared and responds like foolish men do. With his gun.

Bruce dies in his sleep.
--
#2

Bruce is in college. He is studying something that everyone else is studying for reasons he does not know. He sits on a bench. This is a long and hard semester.

Bruce loves Dina. Dina loves Hernan. Hernan loves everyone. Hernan also loves peace and marijuana. Everyone is happy. The world is going to hell but everyone is happy.

Bruce has just had a hard night. He was studying. It was second nature. There might have been some reason for whatever happened next.

One of those angsty kids who decide one day they have had enough and assume that bullets solve everything runs in. He fires indiscriminately. He kills some and he hurts some.

Bruce is tired. He is napping uncomfortably on a bench near the entrance. A stray bullet pierces his head.

Bruce dies in his sleep.
--
#3

Bruce is now an author. He is one of those types who are invited to speak at conventions and revered by snotty critics. College girls and boys touch themselves in his name.

Bruce is travelling right now. The plane is a good plane. Or so he is told by the airhostess. She smiles at him. She has heard of him. She lies about how good his book is. She hasn’t read it.

Bruce’s book is one of those books that people claim to have read without actually reading it. Only a few manage that. Bruce is not married yet. He has dreams of Dina. He is having trouble adjusting with his new found fame. He has trouble sleeping these days.

His co-passenger tries to pitch him a book idea. Everyone is doing that to him these days. Bruce pops his pills. It is some new fangled sleep therapy thing that his agent recommended.

It works a charm. Bruce sleeps like a baby while the pilot asks the people not to panic. Shit happens. The plane crashes. Straight into the ocean.

Bruce dies in his sleep.
--
#4

Bruce is named. He is a baby. He sleeps all the time or so his mother complains. She is hardly an ideal mother but she does her job well. The father is non-existent. She never mentions him.

She works to support the family which also includes her mother. A mother who believes in the old customs. She does not let Bruce’s mother to seek medicine when Bruce falls ill. Bruce cries a lot.

But in the end, he sleeps. His mother cries and never sleeps. She sits near Bruce at all times. One might get the feeling that she intends to stop the Reaper while he calls for her child. But then she is human. She is tired and she feels lost. She sleeps. 
The Reaper swoops.

Bruce dies in his sleep.
--
#5

Bruce is strapped between the creamy chocolate thighs of a young succubus, exhaling glorious sighs of ecstasy, as he deposits his life inside her.

Bruce is married. To Dina. It is not all golden. The monotony has set in. He is still famous. He still can’t sleep. He resorts to the closest starry eyed fan he can find.

It is a habit now. Bruce does not know it but he shouldn’t have resorted to this one. He lies, spent, in her bed. Meanwhile, this young black succubus’ lover who has had lingering doubts about the fidelity of the aforementioned succubus sneaks in the flat. 
She carries a gun. The sight of another man lying next to her chocolate delight sets her off. She aims for his mouth.

Bruce dies in his sleep.
--
#6

Bruce is old. Bruce is alone. He has sold a lot of books. He is at the end. He is happy.

Bruce dies in his sleep.
Peacefully.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Laughter Therapy

Originally a story by Kaushik Narasimhan





                             




























The End?
Of course, this is not a Guy Ritchie movie.
Go ask @kazarelth

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Some 2011 Things

This place left blank to mess with your mind.


CHEW



I started  reading this in 2011 but it started off in 2009 or so. Don't blame me for being late to the party that is John Layman's mind. He creates a crazy world full of frog-chicken hybrids, hidden pop culture references, cannibalistic government agents and a cybernetic rooster that is simply badass.
And all this is wonderfully illustrated by Rob Guillory.


Cylon. Independence Day. Fringe. Black Smoke Monster. Frozen Han Solo. What else you want?


The story is refreshingly new and the whole take on food related superpowers is unique. Plus, great dialogue, intelligent humor and ample pop culture brilliance. I have a winner.
Tony Chu is a cop with a weird secret. Tony Chu is Cibopathic, which means he gets psychic impressions from whatever he eats. It also means he's a hell of a cop, as long as he doesn't mind eating evidence. Unfortunately for him evidence could be as simple as leftovers or as cringe-worthy as a finger from a dead man. Add to that his boss-from-hell Applebee, his partner Colby who has all the charms that half a cyborg face allows and Mason Savoy.
Mason Savoy has to be one of the meanest, most vicious and yet amply cool character created in recent times. There have been talks of Chew being adapted to film or T.V. and I hope that they cast Mason Savoy right. [I, for one, would love to see Stephen Fry play the fat but nimble Savoy who can take out a room full of ninjas on his own.]


And have I mentioned the cybernetic rooster called Poyo who kicks military junta ass in N. Korea and rips out some dictator's heart right after being shot thrice? POYO!


Also they kind of explained Charlie Sheen -









ATOMIC ROBO


There is no word or combination of words in the English language to describe the awesomeness that is Atomic Robo.
Trust me on that.


It has Nikola Tesla and Evil Thomas Edison slugging it out for the future of humanity.
It has giant ants, a trip to Mars, a walking pyramid, and blasted Nazis.
It has Lovecraftian horror, regular science and sciencefictiony science.
It also had Carl Sagan hefting a big fat gun.
It has a talking dinosaur who is plain mad and yet somehow another one of those brilliant characters that is etched in history.


This guy rocks.
Since Atomic Robo's premiere in 2007, this scientist-adventure robot 'fathered' by Nikola Tesla has been a constant beacon in the stagnant mire that is mainstream comics right now. It's funny and can be surprisingly touching. It has robot fights, gun fights, robot dinosaur fights but it  never uses them as an excuse to deliver a bad story. I recommend this both to those who have never read a comic before and those who have been reading comics their entire life


As Team Robo says on their official blog,
You can blame cable television, and DVDs, home entertainment systems, and PC and console games for the decline of comics readership. I don’t doubt for one second that those contribute to the problem. But, maybe, just maybe, people sought other forms of entertainment because it is a rare comic that treats itself or its readers with respect.
Here's to great comics.





PERDIDO STREET STATION


Sprawling epic. Those are the first words that usually pop up into your mind if/when you get through this book.




Perdido Street Station concerns the renegade scientist Isaac Dan der Grimnebulin.  His research into various matters—such as the nature of flight or alternative sources of energy—leads to a series of unintentional consequences for himself and his fellow city dwellers. The science in this novel is in true steampunk fashion. But Isaac manages unwittingly to unleash a cataclysm of devastation when his experiments go awry.

Miéville’s stories are filled with scenery and sometimes it may seem like the plot takes a backseat. But not since the time I read Rendezvous with Rama, have I been gripped by this feeling of unlimited potential and oneiric possibilities.


Just when you think Isaac and his band are out of the fire and into the frying pan, Miéville hurls them into a blender. There is no single antagonist.  First and foremost, he and his friends are battling a swarm of horrid monsters. This single thread alone could feed a film and a theme park thrown in for good measure. In addition, they must confront a totalitarian government, the university, the mob and technology itself. Each of these storylines is fully fleshed out and meshed into the narrative. There is even a World Wide Web that is spun by a huge spider. 

Perdido Street Station is a long book, which doesn't get straight to the point [at one point I gave up reading]. Stick around and it will pay off. The ideas and concepts Miéville throws around in this one book could go onto make seven more.



A very solid and memorable fantasy.




DRIVE




"If I drive for you, you get your money. That's a guarantee. Tell me where we start, where we're going and where we're going afterwards, I give you five minutes when you get there. Anything happens in that five minutes and I'm yours, no matter what. Anything a minute either side of that and you're on your own. I don't sit in while you're running it down. I don't carry a gun. I drive."


[Also the movie soundtrack is so cool it makes me gush like a schoolgirl]

That sums up the Driver for you. He has no known name, and no other life. We see him first, he's piloting a getaway car. He eludes the cops with the help of his car, intelligence and sheer coolness. By day, he is a stunt driver for action movies.

I <3 Ryan Gosling. No one brings more charisma to the screen than this guy. As played by Ryan Gosling, he has no past and a limited emotional array. Any hints of personality are tucked away deep beneath the surface. His behavior defines him. He just drives.

As Roger Ebert puts it,

"Drive" is more of an elegant exercise in style, and its emotions may be hidden but they run deep. Sometimes a movie will make a greater impact by not trying too hard. 
The Driver lives somewhere in an apartment building that also houses Irene and her kid. They connect but only till Irene's husband, Standard, shows up. They have dinner together [where's the deluxe version?]. The husband pitches a heist idea to The Driver and that alone drives the rest of the story. As expected things go wrong and ultimately, Irene and her kid, Benicio, are endangered, the Driver reveals deep feelings and loyalties indeed, and undergoes enormous risk at little necessary benefit to himself.


This year, I have seen a bunch of heavy 'critically acclaimed' movies but who knew that seeing a driver, wearing a gold jacket with a scorpion on its back, stomping on a man's head inside a lift would be the best?



This fan-made poster captures the whole essence perfectly.





MIDNIGHT IN PARIS


I hope I haven't bored you enough because I left the best for the last.



The first lines in this movie, via Gil Pender, hollywood hack, are

This is unbelievable! Look at this! There's no city like this in the world. There never was.
And that is true. Gil has come to Paris with his fiancée Inez (Rachel McAdams) and her parents, all of whom are devout Francophobes. There is also the typical gassbag pseudo-intellectual(brilliant Martin Sheen) and his wife-to-be. Gil, on the other hand, a romantic, adores Paris and especially when it rains. He often dreams of having lived in its 1920′s incarnation when all the literary and artistic heavyweights held court there, downing cocktails and tossing about revolutionary ideas.
I do not wish to give away anything about this movie because it is like a thing of beauty.



Watching Midnight In Paris, for me, was like a lucid, beautiful dream. A lovely waking dream that is happening while I am in it as that allowed me to appreciate it to the utmost. I went to watch this movie without even the slightest hint of the magic it withheld. This might be the first movie that has so successfully hidden its secrets.



Woody Allen’s 41st film. He considers this movie to be a love letter to the City of Light and he opens with an idyllic 3-minute montage, set to jazz, of Paris’ most scenic and famed landmarks [see video above]. Cinematographer Darius Khondji works his magic that made me want to fly to Paris right after the movie ended.



Above all, I think it was a way for Woody Allen to rediscover Woody Allen. Consider Gil Pender as a Woody Allen substitute and then look at some of the quotes "You have a clear and lovely voice. Don't be such a defeatist." and "The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence." All of these somehow seem to indicate Allen breaking free of his usual rut of hopeless romances and finding a positively romantic muse in Paris.



It is charming. It is fun. Midnight in Paris is whimsical, romantic and it left me with a smile on my face. 
I ♥ it.



Look at the poster? What is there to not love?


Edit: I had forgotten this but then it is..
PARA-PARA-PARADISE WHOA-OH-OH OH-OOOH OH-OH-OH