survival jam, I

when i saw you stagger through the door, bradshaw
"honey, grab the baseball bat, i'll grab the chainsaw"
i sliced through your soft decaying head like bread
i tore through your guts and your blood flowed red

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you died on christmas day and came back to me with a ravenous hunger
you never liked my cooking and now you wanted to eat it and
i was surprised
but then you started eating everything and i mean everything
moth balls
the linen
photos
my favourite shoes
the sofa
but when you went for dog i said enough and i meant it
i am sorry for this but i don't think any of us wanted this
[well that is not entirely true because i have always wanted this since i was little]
but you never shed tears when I got hurt and
you made promises that there would be no more hurt
oh the promises! oh the lies!
we couldn't come to the play because your uncle henry ate your aunt beth,
i mean how could you
lie
you could have just told me the truth and i would have understood
for in my mind i did love you
but now you have broken the tv and for that you must be punished
the basement is not such a bad place to hang
and there's some of my older writing in there
somewhere if you want to read it now but
you never read it back then so i don't know
why you would read it now
i like a guy and he is coming over and
i am going to cook for him and
i will not have you moaning under my roof
i hate to say this but
mom and dad you are grounded

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1. when faced with a choice between wolves and the hungry, feed the wolves.
2. learn basic anatomy so that you can protect important bodily shit like the river jugular.
5. it is okay to lose an arm.
3. moisturise.
6. forget language and forget that bitch judy
5. there is no reason to hate yourself.
8. if you need to sever your appendages use clean and sharp instruments unless you want to die of tetanus or gangrene.
11. judy is not coming back by thinking about her like she was your mumtaz, or your mustang, or your theory of relativity.
9. you are not going anywhere for a while so might as well learn a language.
10. learn to ask for help in that language.
12. it is okay to pretend that everything is gonna be okay.
13. pretending might save you.
4. be organized, it is not the end of the world.

--

dear,

it is evening and i feel sorry
you are pregnant like a lorry
the house was on fire
maybe someone was a liar
i came to steal some money
i heard you had a pony
there is no way to say this
i had to leave you, miss
you were bound to the pillar
your babe was crying
it had burst forth
hungry for something
i could never
provide

--

do not share any of your information
remember your full name
if you forget it, create one
inscribe it everywhere
remember your loves
carve them on your flesh
talk to yourself lest you forget speech
retain bone structure / organs as far as you can
don't drag skeletons around