Support Group For Victims Of Science

I am Ian Nicholas Kinski. 

Known to most of you as Mr. Ink. I welcome you to the 2001 AGM of the Support Group For Victims Of Science.

First, I have been asked by the doorkeepers to announce this, ‘The red hoverjet is being towed’.

Okay, now on to business. The formal address will be done later by our guest of honour, The Human Centipede. I am here to say just a few words, impart a modicum of wisdom that age and experience may have granted me.

Last month, an old friend of mine and dear rival – the inimitable Dr. Iron died. He died fighting the fight. There is no good or bad fight and he knew it. He had The Face trapped. He had the upper hand. And yet he lost. Allowed The Face to use that mystical scepter of his and annihilate Dr. Iron and his Fe Males. All because he forgot to set the laser to optimum criterion. Old age! Who can escape it?

Which brings me to my point, tonight. Luck. Yes. That fickle bitch that is supposed to favour the fortunate and the brave. That split second difference between life at Sleeter House and being buried at Donnington Cemetery. We make our own luck. Not just figuratively. A committee is to be set up that shall research and aim to recreate luck. It shall be headed by Dr. Theresa Furnace and Prof. Kornelius. Joining them will be our resident extraterrestrial genius Oh’pee Jay, Dr. Iron’s daughter Maria, The Inventor and myself.

Even though I was forced to collaborate with Rojo and The Buccaneers to foil Lady Hatch’s plans, there is no partnership. All I wanted was the shrink ray blueprints.. which I have now.

You may devise the most fiendish invention. You may build your own potent weather machine. You may construct the ultimate space laser. You may hypnotize a female to seduce one of the supermales. And yet you may fail. Luck may desert you. A loose screw, co-ordinate skew or a lousy shrew may scupper your best laid plans.

You may beat that masked rodeo clown. You may defeat the scourge of the night. You may shrink a sidekick to an ant. You may beat them all. But the last enemy to beat is YOU. Yes, you. You must be strong. Never given to the physical You. Do not let emotions dictate Your behavior. Do not let feelings for the hero’s girlfriend cloud your focus. Beat compassion and mercy out of You.

And yet nothing beats, my mamma’s fried chicken. Thank you.

[From the Annual General Meeting of the Support Group For Victims Of Science or as the news calls it ScienceVillain Union]